My blog from October 2007:

I finally peeled the band-aid off. 'Peel: (v) To remove the outer covering or skin.' That's appropriate. It requires pain. 'Pain: (n) A feeling of marked discomfort in a particular part of the body.' Also appropriate. Making a change in lifestyle is like learning to breathe again. There's a few ways you can do it, but there's really only one "right" way. I put quotations around that because I don't know what that is yet. I made a promise that I would never go out to a party again. Harsh? Yes. But again, very appropriate. When you move, you change everything even if it's not intentional. It's just that nothing can ever be the same. So it only makes sense to try new things when you've given up holding on to the past. But what doesn't make sense is making dumb decisions when trying new things. Because you might just end up vomitting and sleeping on the bathroom floor all night. I was stupid. And now I'm sorry. They say you have to hit rock bottom before you realize you need help. Instead of rock, mine was tile. But you get the point. I don't know how to go about getting this help though. I've been here before. I'm aware that this is part of the vicious cycle I have been a part of for most of my life. Valley to mountain top to valley again. This time I'm looking for a bridge between mountain tops. Do they exist? Surely, but I have a feeling it's a matter of finding them that people have trouble with. A friend who knew the way would be nice, but I seem to be cut off. Ironic or deserved? Probably the latter.

"I need your grace to remind me to find my own" - Snow Patrol "Chasing Cars"
"It's too late to apologize, it's too late." - One Republic "Apologize"

Now my blog from October 2008:

"'I really messed up this time. In every part of my life. This is the breakdown I saw coming. It's going to be a long healing process. I can't do this anymore. It hurts.'- quote from October 09, 2007.

That was all I had to say. One year ago today. That is where I was at. And to think that wasn't even rock bottom. It was only the beginning, but I seemed to know that already. It was OU weekend and I had gone to Dallas with my "friends." I ended up on the bathroom floor of the guy's house that I stayed at... I honestly could not tell you his name. I think my weak stomach saved me from whatever was going on in the living room. When I got back I had to explain myself. I'm not even sure if my mom really knows what happened that weekend. I lied so much. I was ashamed of what I had become. I felt like I should be free to choose, but I felt guilty for the choices I made. It did hurt. I felt it in my heart. Just a deep feeling of discontentment, like this was not what I signed up for.

Somehow God made sense out of all that mess. I would love to take the glory by saying that I finally woke up and turned things around, but I can't take the credit. By any means. It took a savior to vindicate me. I didn't even think I was all that bad, I just thought it was a few bad decisions, but I knew I needed saving. Deep down. He brought that out in me.

And once all that changed, rightfully so, a huge chunk of me broke off. It had to. But sometimes when things dont get put back quite right it still hurts. Leaves the mind to wonder. Everything happened the way it was supposed to. No mistake was made. I just want to see how the other pieces of the puzzle get laid out. I've grown impatient.

It would be easy to give up on you. To act as if it never happened. But I can't get you out of my head. I have built you up into this man who deserves respect. Someone who loved me. You did. Once.

I talked about you today. Its been a while. I couldn't quite say your name. I'm convinced that the next time I see you I wont be able to slow my heart down. It will race. And I'll start feeling like I'm not thin enough, or tan enough, or pretty enough. But none of those things would bring you back.

I always thought you would wait. That by some marvelous act of God you would be able to put your trust in Him. But now I realize how silly that was. Because its hard. To wake up every morning and actively choose to have faith. I can't do it. So why should I expect you to? I hope she does. I hope she's stronger than me and she can say or do something that would change you mind. Something that would penetrate your heart in a way that no other human being could to help you see what I couldn't verbalize.

I'm sorry I couldn't. I try not to take the blame. Some days I wonder that if I just hadn't cried so much, then maybe, just maybe you would have been able to understand what I meant. That maybe, between my blubbering, you could have made some sense of the gospel. Or atleast be able to see the change that had happened in me. It's still happening. It was my first time to sincerely share the gospel with someone. I was scared. You were my first in more ways than one.

When every step that you take
Can be your biggest mistake
And it could bend, or it could break
Well that's just the risk that you take

Some days I feel like my heart was left gaping open. And when I walk up to the dorm or pass through a crosswalk, sometimes I pretend that you're there. Waiting for me. I always double-check white ford pickup trucks and gold explorers, just incase.

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

I dont want to be this way. I want this desire to have you back in my life to go away. Not because I've been replaced or maybe that is why. Maybe I was holding on to this notion that you'd realize what a dumbass you are and drive out to Austin to explain yourself. But you didnt do that when you loved me, why would you now? You are a coward. Never been able to express what you truely felt. You keep your heart so guarded that no one can get in. We all give up. Maybe she wont. Maybe He'll give her the strength to keep trying. I hope so. I hope someone does.

What if I got it wrong
And no poem or song
Could put right what I got wrong
Or make you feel I belong
What if you should decide
That you don't want me there by your side
That you don't want me there in your life

You did. So what now?

This is the deep and dying breath of,
This love that we've been working on.

I knew it was coming. Maybe you did too. I'm surprised though, you were never good at letting go.

Tears stream, down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face and I...

But I dont have to be this way anymore.

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you"

Today: Wow. I am left completely speechless about my words a year ago today. I kept that post private because it was too sensitive to share at that point. And maybe it still kind of is today... but I wanted to say it, finally. Because it's true and it's raw and it's exactly how I felt. Even reading it now, I go right back to those moments leading up to the day I wrote it. I hope at least some small part of it can help someone else heal. Because it's my story.

This years love had better last
Heaven knows it's high time
And I've been waiting on my own too long
But when you hold me like you do
It feels so right
I start to forget
How my heart gets torn
When that hurt gets thrown
Feeling like you can't go on

Turning circles when time again
It cuts like a knife oh yeah
If you love me got to know for sure
Cos it takes something more this time
Than sweet sweet lies
Before I open up my arms and fall
Losing all control
Every dream inside my soul
And when you kiss me
On that midnight street
Sweep me off my feet
Singing ain't this life so sweet

This years love had better last
This years love had better last

So whose to worry
If our hearts get torn
When that hurt gets thrown
Don't you know this life goes on
And won't you kiss me
On that midnight street
Sweep me off my feet
Singing ain't this life so sweet

This years love had better last
This years love had better last
This years love had better last
This years love had better last